What is the worst horror movie ever made?

For my first post I thought I'd get the worst out of the way first (something better tomorrow).

This is a category that is wide open. Certainly looking at my collection I've got some that are real contenders. Leprechaun 4: Leprechaun in the Hood, some of the early "B" movies and of course there's many to choose from the Hammer Studios when things started going wrong. All of these I can excuse though for various reasons. Leprechaun 4 was obviously a joke, the "B" movies don't usually set out to impress you on budget or acting and the Hammer Studios offset their poorer outings by their classics.
However, there is no excuse for tonight's midnight movie. I speak of "Troll 2". It's one of those movies that has no reason to exist. It ticks all the major boxes of poor story, low budget and some of the worst acting imaginable. Some movies are so bad that they're good, Troll 2 is just so bad it makes you feel ill. The sum of it's parts create a movie of bewildering proportions far worse than you initially expect. From start to finish I was asking myself, "How did this get made?", "Why was this made?" and "What the heck is going on?".


My best guess is that someone said "We've got some Troll costumes lying around and a cheap camera, let's throw them at passing students and out of work actors and see what happens!". It's appalling in every sense of the word. What really gets me is how the movie is clearly called "Troll 2" yet the creatures are never once referred to as Trolls, they are always called Goblins?!?!? That's how bad it is in terms of continuity, a two word title and it's neither a proper part 2 nor about Trolls! (Yes I realise there is a film called Troll but it's really nowhere near as bad nor closely related to this title).


So, what's it all about? I hear you ask. Well, I'll break it down in to a summary (a detailed description would make me too upset). Grandpa Seth tells his grandson of the legend of the trolls goblins. To feed on human flesh the goblins must first convert the humans in to a plant like creature. This is done by feeding them their special mixture, primarily "Nilbog" milk, leading to the terribly acted "Nilbog is Goblin spelt backwards!!!". Shortly after consumption the humans start leaking green goo and are ready to eat. It's ridiculous in every sense of the word. At some point towards the end of the movie someone decides that the head goblin must be destroyed. This is perhaps one of the few things in the movie that made me laugh. It was a laugh of despair though. Imagine being utterly bored and disgruntled for what seems like an eternity, then the head goblin pops up. Just as you think that acting can't get any worse, there it is. Troll 2 manages to step it up a gear on the crap-o-meter. You can't understand how bad the acting is until you see it for yourself. Part of the time the "actors" are clearly reading from off screen q-cards and they aren't even doing that well. The phrase "They're eating her and then they're going to eat me! Oh my God! AAAhhhhh!" is perhaps the low point of movie history. Some kind person has put up an extract on youtube (please watch with low expectations).

In a short review like this I can never convey how bad this movie is. At the same time I strongly recommend that you don't ever watch it even out of curiosity. Just believe me that the is no and can never be as film as bad as this. Troll 2 stands in my collection shunned by the rest of it's DVD brethren. I find perhaps the most disturbing issue about Troll 2 is that after all this time the evil of their movie has not been forgotten. Unbelievably it is now available on Blu-Ray! For the life of me I cannot imagine the type of twisted individual that would be able to stomach the shame of taking the purchase to the counter. Even buying anonymously through the internet is likely to put you on "some sort of register" with the credit card companies. Personally I feel dirty just handling the DVD version and somewhat violated whilst I'm watching the movie.

The Haunted Cinema Rating: 0 Nilbog Milks out of 10. It's just upsetting that things like this happen.

Do you know a movie worse than Troll 2? I would genuinely love to hear your suggestions in the comments box. For me Troll 2 is so far out ahead I've never found anything close to challenging it for shocking quality. "Troll 2" makes "Santa vs the Martians" look like it was directed by Scorsese in comparison.


Happy hauntings, Jiblet.


Your views: Watched this? Own this? Recommend this? Have a question about this? Please feel free to comment.